Pete Mella's writing portfolio

Stuff I've written. All my opinions are my own, not those of any current or former employers.

Some ideas for George Osborne

Personal blog post, see here for original.

Today George Osborne laid out his idea for a fantastic new venture – workers relinquishing their employment rights in exchange for company shares. Trifling stuff like the inability to be unfairly dismissed, the right to redundancy pay, and generally not being treated like a 19th Century mill worker, given up in exchange for shares for a company that may or not be worth jack shit. Why has no-one come up with this before? It’s a winner!

Here are some further ideas in the same vein which I think Osborne would like to add to his manifesto.

1. Council tax rebate in exchange for promising never to go to the doctors.

£20 a month off your Council Tax if you promise not to seek NHS care, and if you get ill vow you’ll just not complain about it and curl up in the corner of your hovel and die.

2. A Terry’s Chocolate Orange in exchange for your right to a fair trial.

Juries, judges… all namby pamby, left wing flippancies. What people want are lovely Chocolate Oranges. Who really cares if you’re wrongly accused of a crime and thrown into a cold, shit-filled well, if you’ve got a fake citrus fruit made of tasty milk chocolate to enjoy while you’re down there?

3. A half-filled Starbucks loyalty card in exchange for clean, running water.

The Labour government drove this country to the brink of financial disaster by wasting billions on pipes and treatment works. Do your bit to stop this waste, and you could be enjoying a lovely foamy latte before you know it. Mmmmmm.

4. The ability to watch Homeland without adverts in exchange for freedom of speech.

Everybody hates the fact the tense narrative of terrorist-thriller Homeland is interrupted by adverts for phones and cars and shit every 5-7 seconds. You can end this by relinquishing your right to free speech. You may note the irony that you’re exchanging this for a drama about evil Muslim plotters, but don’t voice it or you’ll be bundled into a van and hit with a stick.

5. An iPhone 5 in exchange for oxygen.

Come on, it’s a no-brainer isn’t it? Who needs to breathe when you’ve got the world’s greatest telephonic device at your disposal? Thank Osborne with a special “Thank You George” app – but hurry before you fully asphyxiate!

I think these ideas are just as great, feasible and not-at-all-sinister as George’s. If anyone from Conservative HQ is reading this, I demand nothing for giving you these ideas, except a peerage and a choc ice.


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This entry was posted on October 8, 2012 by in Blog posts, Politics, Rants and tagged , , .
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